• Coach Alisa

People Pleasing versus Flakiness

Updated: Sep 13, 2019

People pleaser or flake?

Lack of self-worth

If you are a people pleaser then you probably have a tendency to devalue your worth in the world and belittle what you bring to a relationship, believing that you are a lesser person with less to contribute than others. People pleasing can bring a feeling of inadequacy as you constantly compare yourself to your peers and find yourself falling short. A people pleaser’s sense of self-worth is often validated by the praise they receive from others. #selfworth #inadequacy

Although being a people pleaser can help raise your popularity and make you feel more accepted, it can also take its toll on those who engage in this behaviour. #popularity

Avoid conflict

People pleasers often find that their kind, accommodating personalities are taken for granted. They will likely run away from conflict and confrontation as this requires them to speak their truth which they may not be prepared to do. People pleasers might appear to agree with everything a peer says, but secretly they feel compromised. This can further reduce the pleaser’s self-worth and can perpetuate a sense of inauthenticity as they don’t feel they can be honest at risk of becoming unpopular. #speakyourtruth #inauthenticity

Just say ‘no’

People pleasers might find it difficult to say no, especially when invited to a social event, for fear of upsetting someone who feels that they can always rely on them to show up at their parties or events when in actuality they really don’t want to be there. The rare time pleasers decline an invitation, they find themselves profusely apologetic, feeling like they have let down everyone around them who depend on them. #justsayno

Speak up

If some of these scenarios resonate with you, I challenge you to experiment with saying no to see how it feels and what ensues. It could be an empowering experience. And you might find that people get over it. #Empowerment

Step outside your comfort zone

If you tend to lean back and shy away from offering your opinion during discussions, try stepping outside of your comfort zone and speaking up to see how it feels. When you try to be all things to all people, you risk being misunderstood, showing up in the world as insincere and shallow when you know you are none of these things. #StepOutsideYourComfortZone


On the opposite end of the spectrum are the flakes who cancel and decline appointments more than they show up for them. In their defence, there could be many legitimate reasons for their flakiness. #Flakiness


It is possible that they have a strong sense of self-worth and high self-esteem and so are able to say no quite easily without feeling that they will offend anyone. If this sounds like you, then well done for demonstrating the confidence and resolve to be your own person doing your own thing. #SelfEsteem #Confidence

Make your excuses

It could be that someone declines an invitation to an event or meeting because of an awareness that they are unlikely to have much fun based on past experience, and so they make their excuses and watch a box set at home instead. If this sounds like you, then again, congratulations on making a stand for independent thoughts and actions. #IndependentThought

Socially anxious

Conversely, it could be that the apparent flake is socially anxious and introverted and they find social events challenging and difficult to handle. They might not have shared this with anyone they know, preferring to maintain the façade of flakiness as it saves them having to explain what’s really going on for fear of people judging them to be antisocial. #SociallyAnxious

In tune with their body

Or, it could be that the flake is simply in tune with their body, and in listening to it, they recognize that they are tired and wouldn’t be the best company. #intunewithyourbody

In demand

Equally, it could be that they are in such demand and their schedule is so overbooked that they genuinely don’t have the time to attend (m)any of the events they are invited to. #InDemand

Credible reasons

With all of this in mind, hidden beneath apparent flakiness are likely to be a multitude of credible reasons for being a no-show. It might be worth having a deeper conversation with your ‘flaky’ friend next time they appear to flake out on you. It might feel awkward at first but it could provide some clarity around their reasons for making so many excuses, offering you a new perspective on their perceived rudeness and helping you remove judgement from your relationship. #NewPerspective

More than meets the eye

Whether people pleaser, possibly lacking in confidence, or flake, who could be socially anxious rather than antisocial or simply self-aware, there is often more going on than meets the eye. #MoreThanMeetsTheEye

14 views0 comments